


A Shadow of Himself

by swanssong



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Captain Swan - Freeform, F/M, Gen, Speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-30
Updated: 2014-11-30
Packaged: 2018-02-27 12:57:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2693840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swanssong/pseuds/swanssong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written before 4x09 "Fall": Killian succumbs to self-loathing as he processes what it means to have lost his heart with the upcoming curse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Shadow of Himself

He wants to scream in frustration because he can't  _feel_.

Okay, he _can_ feel. Just not like before.

He still appreciates her smiles. Still can't contain the grin that breaks out on his face in response to her rare giggles. He still enjoys the feeling of her fingers intertwined with his as they walk around the town.

But it's still not the same.

Her smiles can no longer light up his every cell. Her laughter fails to warm the depths of his soul. Her hand in his doesn't make his heartbeat hasten (almost comically) anymore.

Because he no longer has a heartbeat.

Killian certainly hasn't told Emma everything about his life (it's hard to squeeze hundreds of years of details into the few weeks they've truly had together), but this is different. He's keeping this from her. And she knows something is amiss—not entirely a surprise; the lass is nothing if not intuitive—but he can't tell her. No matter how much he wants to take back the words he'd told her not that long ago, the compulsion he is now under prevents him from doing so.

He told his love that she needn't worry about him; that he excels at surviving.

The irony of it all isn't lost on him. He knows he made a promise he evidently can't keep (albeit, he was completely unaware the tables would turn at the time). But he is just so sick about the whole thing, there's not a bone in his body that can appreciate and find his predicament funny in the slightest.

The familiar coldness of self-loathing seeps from his chest out through his limbs. He's not good enough for Emma Swan. He will never be good enough for her. That much is clear. He did try; Killian did whatever he thought he could do to be worthy of her. He got his hand back. He's made an effort to adapt to the customs of the world in whatever way he could. But in the end, it wasn't good enough. He lost his hand, his way, and his heart (literally). And he can't even tell Emma just how deeply he's mucked it all up.

 

* * *

 

The curse will transform everyone into their worst selves.

He's quite familiar with his worst self. He is a revenge-driven, hell-bent, merciless pirate. The thought of reverting to that persona, of undoing all the progress he's made to become a more honorable man, makes bile rise up in his throat.  In the blink of an eye, Killian Jones will be no longer. He will be Captain Hook through and through.

Not that it matters much. He's wholly aware of the consequences the curse will have; he's not the only subject of the curse, the entire town will be affected. Meaning the crocodile. Who currently has Killian's heart in his clutches.

It's not a stretch at all to predict what will follow. The Dark One barely conceals the darkness within him as is. With this curse, he will undoubtedly crush Killian's heart into dust just as surely as he crushed Milah's centuries ago.

It means he has less time than he'd thought. Regina predicts the curse will hit at sundown, meaning he has mere hours left to live. And to figure out how to apologize to Emma without disrupting the compulsion.

Even just thinking about disobeying the crocodile causes his throat to close up, like the imp has his grotesque claw wrapped around Killian's neck. He knows there's no way he'll be able to thwart the compulsion without falling in a heap, dead in front of his love on the spot. So he'll just have to do his best to say a proper goodbye. And pray to whatever gods may be that Emma Swan will recover from yet another betrayal; yet another person in her life abandoning her.

The thought he will be the one who could break her makes Killian hate himself deeper than Rumplestiltskin will ever be able to.

**Author's Note:**

> *Hides face* sorry if this was too evil. Feedback would be greatly appreciated!


End file.
